Swabeng Top 10: Things Nobody Warns You About Before Becoming A Father

After reading the article I got from askmen.com, I would follow-up on the previous entry that I made about the Top 10: Things Nobody Warns You About Before Becoming A Father which I got from askmen.com. Even before I became a dad, I would anticipate things like these since it will only be a few more weeks before our little girl would be born in this earth.

You’re weeks away from becoming a first-time father, and by now, countless friends and relatives have tried to prepare you for the momentous occasion by giving you well-meaning advice. They’ve told you that children can be expensive, they’ve advised you to take some time off work, and they’ve even hinted that you’re in for a lot of late nights during the first few weeks of your child’s life.

Their advice is sound, but there’s so much more they could be telling you. We believe every man should enter this important phase with his eyes wide open, so we’ve compiled a list of the top 10 realities that nobody warns you about before becoming a father. Prepare to be informed, entertained and a little bit horrified as we give you a sneak peek into the next two years of your life.

No.10 Your wife will turn into a Sasquatch

Hormones can be duplicitous little bastards. On the one hand, they can give your wife gorgeous, gravity-defying boobs during the last trimester of her pregnancy. And on the other hand, they can cause bristly little hairs to cover her upper lip, cheeks, neck, back, areolas, abdomen, and all seven of her chins. Just imagine Chewbacca with a robust set of 36 double D’s, and you’ll know exactly what to expect.

No.9 Your entire music collection will be replaced by a single Wiggles CD

It may have taken you 30 years to refine your musical tastes, but it will take your baby only an instant to decide the one album he wants to hear for the rest of his childhood is It’s A Wiggly Wiggly World! Whether you’re in your car, cooking dinner or “relaxing” at home, every move you make will be accompanied by the Wiggles and their obnoxiously chipper tunes. On the upside, it’s still far better than anything he’ll listen to in his adolescence.

No.8 You will dread going to the grocery store

Your days of “popping in and out” of the grocery store are long over. Even a simple trip to buy a loaf of bread will likely result in a) one display being knocked down, b) two tantrums, c) three failed bargaining attempts, and d) the purchase of four boxes of animal crackers to appease the tiny little terrorist in your shopping cart.

No.7 Your single friends will disappear from your social life

Having a child doesn’t necessarily ruin your social life, but it certainly does alter it. You’ll still get out of the house just as often, but you’ll likely do it between the hours of 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. And rather than hosting all-night keggers and attending boozy pub crawls, you may find yourself spending entire afternoons playing peekaboo or building forts out of seat cushions. Unfortunately those kinds of activities aren’t very appealing to anyone over the age of 7, so it won’t take long before your single friends begin drifting away to pursue more age-appropriate endeavors. The good news is that you’ll be so exhausted, you won’t even notice their absence until well after your child has graduated from high school.

No.6 Your car will resemble a second-rate restaurant

Enjoy the pristine condition of your automobile while you still can, because as soon as your child starts eating solid foods, your car mats, upholstery and ceilings will be smeared with 17 pounds of finely crushed Cheerios. Oh, and don’t even try to open the glove compartment, because chances are it will be crammed with the drained remains of 56 supersticky juice boxes. Sure, your vehicle’s resale value will never be the same, but at least you’ll never starve if you get stranded in a snowstorm.

No.5 Your wife will take three times longer to lose her baby weight than you think

Having a baby doesn’t just change a woman’s life; it also changes her body. The stress of incubating a 5- to 10-pound freeloader for nine months causes an enormous amount of strain on a woman’s anatomy, and it generally takes four months before most new mothers successfully shed their pregnancy weight. So be patient with your wife if she ends up wearing her “happy pants” and tarpaulinlike granny panties for a little longer than you anticipated.

No.4 Everything you own will smell like baby vomit

Whether you call it spit-up, puke or barf mulch, there’s simply no denying the fact that every article of clothing you own will eventually start to smell like baby vomit. That includes your favorite pair of blue jeans, your $2,000 Armani suit and all 27 of your handwoven silk ties. You can try masking the odor with Lysol or cologne, but you’ll still end up smelling like you’ve just taken a dip in an industrial-size vat of strained peas.

No.3 You will spend Friday nights cleaning poo off your walls and ceiling

Think monkeys are the only animals that fling their feces? Think again! Babies also share the same enthusiasm for hurling their own bodily waste, and they do it with frightening frequency. On the positive side, most children grow out of this filthy habit soon after you’ve replaced your wall-to-wall carpeting for the fifth time.

No.2 75% of conversations with your spouse will be about poo

Try as you might, it’s impossible not to discuss the color, texture and consistency of your baby’s diaper bombs. Suspicious new tones will become a cause for concern, while particularly hefty deposits will become a source of inexplicable pride. And just wait until your baby starts eating solids -- your dinner table conversation will never be the same again.

No.1 You won’t have sex for at least two months after your child is born

The birth of a child is supposed to bring couples closer together, and in a way it does. You’ll find yourselves spending an inordinate amount of time together at 3 a.m. folding laundry and cleaning crayon marks off the walls. Just don’t expect to spend much time together between the sheets.

Not only will your wife be too exhausted to satisfy your needs, but she also may not feel up to task physically. Studies have shown that pregnancy and lactation significantly lower a woman’s sex drive by decreasing her usual supply of testosterone-related hormones, estrogen and DHEAS. Add to that the possibility of postpartum depression, negative body image and vaginal dryness, and it’s easy to see why many new mothers have zero interest in dancing the horizontal mamba.